Hogwarts Survival Guide

I was thinking--a dangerous and frightening human past-time--about that poor, unfortunate Muggle who received my Hogwarts letter by mistake and is now stumbling around Hogwarts, failing all his classes, and bringing shame to his family.
Ouch.
I decided to take pity on this poor soul and help him through his challenging times, and give him this handy Hogwarts survival guide. Let's begin.

Rule #1:

When summoned to the Headmaster's office, please DO NOT ARGUE with Snape's portrait.

Ooh, look it's Snape! I think I'll make a bunch of Lily references in front of him because he's a portrait! He can't do anything!

Just. No. Please.

I understand that maybe you'd like to see Snape's sentimental side for yourself, but PLEASE FOR MERLIN'S SAKE JUST DON'T!

Rule #2:

Unless speaking to Mr. Weasley, please refrain from excessive explanations of the function of rubber ducks.

Why? Well--

I'm sorry.

Rule #3:

Do not show any wizards who are not Muggle-borns or of any relation to Muggles the Harry Potter books.

You will cause all of this paranoia and then we will have to question the universe and our purpose in life and all that good stuff.

Rule #4:

When meeting any HP character from the books, please do not pounce on them and rip up their hair and/or clothing.

We just can't deal with the lawsuits anymore. Trust me I know from my near 10 years in Azkaban experience.

Rule #5:

That's it.

So, enjoy your time at Hogwarts, I guess. And I forgive you for the letter mix-up. Sort of. A little. Not that much. Not a bit. Absolutely not.

Mischief Managed!

~Hermione